DIE: A Bill Cipher Fanfiction
by The Sarcasm Master
Summary: You don't really know why you thought trusting an insane triangle demon was a good idea. After Bill Cipher traps you inside a twisted, yellow-tinted version of Gravity Falls, you're finally starting to understand the true meaning of "be careful what you wish for." And he KNOWS how you work. He KNOWS all the ships, the insanity of the fandom...and you have no idea what to do.
1. KNOCK KNOCK!

You are starting to come to the conclusion that summoning an inter-dimensional demon was a _bad _idea.

You're not sure why it took you so long to come to this conclusion.

It started when the much-hyped meta episode of Gravity Falls aired. The plot was stated to be that Dipper and Mabel found an ancient tome with the help of Bill Cipher which when activated sent them through a portal to the "real world." Because Disney's scheduling was really stupid, the fans had to wait three months for it to air When the episode itself finally aired, reports of a paranormal storm and two pre-teens materializing in a field reached the news. It had been assumed an elaborate publicity stunt on Alex Hirsch's part, and was deemed very effective and cool.

But as an avid conspiracy theorist it occurred to you that it was _possible _that Dipper and Mabel had ACTUALLY managed to enter your world. You decided to find the ancient tome on this side of the portal, and surprise surprise. You ended up finding it.

The only problem is, the gate is held open by Bill Cipher and he'll only let you through to _their _side if you make a deal.

I suppose you also _might _have wanted a chance to ask Cipher to assume a human form for whatever reason under the assumption that he would be an attractive male. Bill Cipher hails from a dimension where there are literally billions of genders, so this is a bit presumptuous on your end if you are thinking this. But no matter.

If you're not thinking this you're probably wondering what the hell this guy is rambling on about, or are laughing about it. Either one, really.

The summoning is underway. Your words start to fluctuate to some extent. You are not sure what is going on but for some idiotic reason you're not scared.

┴ɥǝ snɯɯouᴉuƃ ᴉs nupǝɹʍɐʎ˙ ʎonɹ ʍoɹps sʇɐɹʇ ʇo ɟlnɔʇnɐʇǝ ʇo soɯǝ ǝxʇǝuʇ˙ ʎon ɐɹǝ uoʇ snɹǝ ʍɥɐʇ ᴉs ƃoᴉuƃ ou qnʇ ɟoɹ soɯǝ ᴉpᴉoʇᴉɔ ɹǝɐsou ʎon,ɹǝ uoʇ sɔɐɹǝp˙

Your reverse message ascends into the sky, echoing throughout all of space-time. The sky dims. The world turns monochrome. You take a step back–afraid for the first time. It's really a wonder you've managed to survive in this world so long, making stupid-ass decisions like this one all the time. Really, how are you still alive? Ah well. Another mystery for the ages, and not one likely to be investigated.

The reason that it won't be investigated is of course the fact that there's a distinct possibility you could be dead or worse after the end of this conversation.

But that's just a risk you're willing to take.

The triangle-shaped vortex appears in the sky and slowly fades into the gold creature you adore so much for whatever reason. His little stick arms and legs come out and a cane materializes in his hands.

The summoning is complete.

Bill Cipher is here.

_WELL WELL WELL..._

_What have we here?_

The demon floats around nonchalantly. Even though he has no mouth you feel as though he's constantly grinning and it unnerves you. He sets his feet on the ground in front of you and laughs.

_Another summon? Wow, I'm pretty in demand nowadays! Ha ha! SO!_

Suddenly he's behind you, floating cross-legged and upside-down.

_What appears to be the dilemma? You wanna make a deal, huh? I s'pose you're a fan of my work, huh? Well I'm glad you dropped by!_

You start to say something but he interrupts you.

_Ah! You don't need to say a word! You're in **MY** realm now! You want my wisdom! You want my sparkling personality! But more importantly, you want me to open a gate to the world of Gravity Falls!_

You nod in terror. He flashes red and leans in close to you. You scream and nearly wet yourself. It's hilarious.

**_SO NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GIVE MY END OF THE BARGAIN!_**

You politely inquire as to what he wants in return, well-aware that you'll have to force him to be very specific. You know how he operates. Exact words, vague statements, and hypotheticals are his forte.

He laughs. He sure does laugh a lot. -_-

_HA! You're funny! Trying to trick me! WELL, I can safely say that I will do everything in my power to make you comfortable. and take you to the other end of this portal. It'll be fun! _

You nod, panicked. That's all you want. A chance to meet your favorite characters. Perhaps advise them on whom they should consider falling in love with. You know, because twelve-year olds have romance on their minds all the time. And if they don't have romance on their minds, you'll force them to in whatever way. Brainwashing is fun.

_I like the way you think! Very fascist! But in order to fulfill my end of the bargain, I'm going to need control of the narrative! SO! Why don't you just go ahead and make the deal?_

He extends his hand. Blue fire illuminates the otherwise drab surroundings. You hesitate. In no way is this a good idea. You consider not taking the bait. You consider calling off the deal and fleeing forever. You consider flipping the triangle off and running away. He has no power over you if you don't make a deal with him...right?

AH WHO ARE YOU KIDDIN'? THIS IS THE BEST IDEA YOU'VE EVER HAD!

Like an utter dumbass, you shake his hand.

The world goes black.

* * *

Your eyes open slowly. The world is blurry and mushy, and you suddenly regret everything. Slowly, you come to, dusting yourself off and taking a look around. You appear to be in the middle of the woods. The surroundings are filled with a sickly yellow glow that disorients you and makes your stomach. Slowly, you trace your finger along the eye mark on one of the trees.

Something's wrong here. Something is very, very wrong here.

_WELL WELL WELL!_

You scream and back away. Bill Cipher materializes behind you once again. His voice reverberates through your head. You clasp your hand to your forehead, crying out.

_I spy, with my singular eye, someone who could be described as a **S-U-C-K-E-R!**_

You back up, and crash into a tree. You breathe heavily as Bill looks down smugly at you. You don't know why you let him trick you. You just firmly grasped that Idiot Ball as hard as you could, didn't you? Congratulations.

_I can't actually bring you to Gravity Falls! Only denizens of THEIR universe can go between for whatever reason. So instead I got you the next best thing! My own PERSONAL version of Gravity Falls! EVERYTHING here is under my control!_

You gulp, and start pleading for Bill to take you back to your own world. You don't want to know what kind of twisted things he'll do.

He seems to consider it for a moment.

_Look kid. I may be sadistic and masochistic but I have STANDARDS, dude. Whatever twisted things I come up with are NOTHING compared to what you people can do! OHHHH, you'll SEE some of my trademark humor in this world, but to be honest I'm curious to see what you do! So I've made this...close to the original but NOOOOT QUITE. There are a few...adjustments that you'll notice when you start looking around._

All dignity gone, you start begging for Bill to relent. To take you back to your home. Tears fall down your face. You clasp your hands together, promising to kiss every dollar bill you find if he lets you back into your home dimension, please please please please just make it end-

_HEY LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!_

* * *

**K  
KIL  
KILLS  
KILLSTA  
KILLSTABM  
KILLSTABMUT  
KILLSTABMUTIL  
KILLSTABMUTILAT  
KILLSTABMUTILATEP  
KILLSTABMUTILATEPAI  
KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINK  
KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKIL  
KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLS  
KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTA  
KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTABM  
KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTABMUT  
KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTABMUTIL  
KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTABMUTILAT  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTABMUTILATEP  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTABMUTILATEPAI  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTABMUTILATEPAINK  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKIL  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLS  
****KILLALLYOURFRIENDSBEFOREITSTOOLATEYOUIDIOTHAHA**

* * *

You stare into the abyss. The triangle. It consumes your soul. Actually, strike that. Your soul was probably taken long ago. Your soul was so icky that the soul-eater in question decided to go on a diet. That's how bad your soul is. And I honestly have no idea what I'm saying here so you should probably ignore me.**  
**

Bill shrugs.

_I'm gonna leave you alone for now! Again, don't worry! I made sure to keep it close to the original because I'm a nice guy. So come on! Take a look around! I've made sure to cater to your utmost desires. This...shipping? Incest? Whatever you call it? Never fear. I know ALL the memes, and ALL THE SHIPS! SO LET'S JUST SEE WHAT YOU FIND THEN! See what you can DO!_

You rise to your feet, growling. You're going to get out of this. You inform the isosceles monster of this fact.

The demon would probably be grinning right now if he had a mouth.

_I'm sure you will! But for now, ciao! I'll see you soooooon!_

And with that, the demon vanishes in a burst of light.

You glance around at the sickly woods.

In the distance you can see the Mystery Shack.

You take a deep breath, shaking in your boots.

And deciding that it couldn't possibly get worse, you start walking towards it.

You have no idea what's going to happen next but it's all you can do to press onward.

* * *

**My entry into the Gravity Falls fandom, everybody. My name is The Sarcasm Master and I'm a pretty big writer over in the Total Drama fandom! It's hard to find good fics in this section, so I found it fitting that this will be a parody of a lot of common Gravity Falls fanfiction trends including but not limited to Pinecest, Bill/anyone, and in general the focus on romance. Anyone has any awesome ideas, let me know and I'll probably parody it in some way!**

**I advise reading my profile just to get an idea of what "authorverses" are, because those might be popping up in here as well.**

**Basically: if you aren't capable of poking fun at yourself and get easily offended, this story is probably not for you. But for those of you who are self-aware and are fine with a lot of meta humor and satire, feel free to review and stick around! This might be a flop, it might not! All I can do is to wait and see...**

**See you all hopefully next time!**


	2. SHIPPER'S HELL!

**DIE  
DIE  
DIE  
DIE  
MUTILATE  
MUTILATE**

**K**  
**KIL**  
**KILLS**  
**KILSTA**  
**KILLTABM**  
**KILLSTABMUT**  
**KILLSTABMUTIL  
****KILLSTABMUTILAT  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEP  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAI  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINK  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKIL  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLS  
****KILLSTABMUTILATEPAINKILLSTA**

tHe eNd dRaWs nEaR,  
t͉̦̝͚̮͍̝ͯͯͪͩ̀̾̌H̟̱͍̩͈̹ê̑ͮ̓ͩ͗̊r̜̓̍Ẹ̲̫̑ͥ ̩͎̇̐͑̃ͥ̿̑s̯̤̜̙̯ͩ͒͌ͪ̑̚H̠ä̬̻̹̥͈̰́L̫͚̺̤̔̇ͯL̗̔ ͖ͬ̆̽̋̇̋͆oͯ̎ͪ͂n̙̮̞͍̲͖͇͆́̓̊͌͆L̲̱ͮͫẙ͇̼̣̭̺̽̓ͦͬ ͍̺̘̮̲̱͒̃̅ͬb̗͗ͤ͌̑̎͌̓E̗̫͚ͬ̍ ̿ͪͫ̀͒ͦ̚o̦̰̬̦͎͌͑̄̀ͦňE̤̪͙ͤͅ

* * *

Storm clouds rumble overhead. You move through the hollow town anxiously. You're not sure what is going on but you need to find shelter before Bill does something insane. You've reached the town. People go about their daily business. Everything seems perfectly normal, except for one small detail.

Everyone's eyes are yellow slits like Bill's.

Children play in the streets, shooting each other with water guns that shoot a substance that you can't identify. You see Toby Determined trying to use a knife as his very own microphone, which ends in him accidentally slicing his mouth. Tyler the biker walks around wearing puma and panther skin sown together (and you swear it's still alive).

Something is very, very wrong here.

Thunder rumbles and you see Lazy Susan pull out an umbrella. You look around for something to protect yourself from the storm.

It starts raining cats and dogs.

No, literally. It literally starts raining a variety of cats and dogs. There's hissing and barking as they hit the pavement. You scream. Some of the townsfolk have pulled out nets to try to catch them. Their efforts are in vain though. You watch as a German Shepherd lands in a broken position on the pavement in front of you and you scream.

This is sick. You don't know how you could ever have laughed at this shit. It's sick and wrong.

You watch as a cat falls from the sky, and promptly just lands on its feet. It looks at you, as if daring you to ask how it did it. You don't ask anything. It walks away in a huff.

A second cat lands on your face. You are not quite sure how to react to this new development. Your reaction time is not that great. You yell as it starts clawing up your face. You throw it onto the ground and it leaves in a huff. You curse to yourself, and depending on your age, your curse words sound different. How the f*ck am I supposed to know what kind of f*cking curse words you f*cking use, motherf*ckers?

You feel like vomiting still as you see pet after pet hit the ground with cracks. You think you can hear Bill laughing at you but it's just quiet enough that you're not sure if it's real or just the sound of you slowly becoming insane yourself. You don't want to think about the latter option. All that's left is to see how the folks at the Mystery Shack were corrupted. Maybe you can get something out of this after all.

Probably not, but it's not like Bill's gonna let you back through the portal. That'd be contrived and completely out of character for him. Nope, no way that's ever happening.

Right on cue, the triangular abomination materializes in front of you and snaps his fingers. A golden portal opens in front of you.

_Hey, I see you're feeling homesick! Here, have a portal back home! No charge!_

You step closer warily and the projection of a face extends from the portal, screaming shrilly. You answer the scream with your own scream, scrambling backwards. Bill's just laughing.

_Heh, just kidding! Not letting you off the hook that easy!_

Suddenly, he's floating upside-down behind you, pen and paper in hand. _Anyways, I've got a few questions for you. They'll be easy to answer, don't worry!_

You ask what happens if you don't comply.

He chuckles. _I'll remove your bones and use them to play fetch! Man, that three-legged Great Dane can run! Hey, speakin' of which, you mind if I borrow your skull and beat you to death with it? What's that? You say that's not physically possible? Ha ha, I take pride in proving people wrong!_

You sigh, no longer having the energy to be terrorized by Bill's threats. You're sure he could do any of them at any time he wanted. You might as well answer his questions.

_SO! Explain to me your favorite ships about this show! C'mon, don't be shy! I **PROMISE** that whatever you've done, I've done a helluva lot worse._

You mutter something appropriately predictable about whatever the fuck the Gravity Falls ships are. As you keep talking, your mind starts to drift to some NSFW images you found online.

To your horror, you realize that there's a thought bubble above your head showing Bill everything. You backpedal, trying to erase the image from your head but all you do is bring it to the forefront. Bill is watching in barely contained amusement. The asshole seems to only have two settings, amused and angry. A stray thought crosses your mind that if he turns red when angry, maybe he turns blue when sad?

_You'd better drop the subject before you find out what makes me turn brown. Anyways, thanks for the entertainment! But hey, I've got better ideas than...Pinecest, or ships involving me! I've got a reputation to uphold! SO! Let's see what I ship!_

He turns himself into a lottery machine, humming cheerfully as he picks the two unlucky ones. You are both appalled and enthralled. The two slots show Jeff the gnome, and...Preston Northwest.

Bill snaps his fingers and the gnome hops on top of the rich snob's head. Love is in their eyes. It is clear that they are made for each other. Nothing can keep them apart now. They are together, now and forever.

_**FOREVER.**_

You are somewhat uncomfortable with this ship. As in, what the flipping fuck just happened. They're probably back at the house now. Your thought bubble starts generating some NSFW stuff again. Bill Cipher starts laughing again, almost in hysterics this time.

_Oh my! Heh heh heh, wow! YOU'RE KIND OF HILARIOUS, KID! YOU KNOW THAT?_

He puts his stick arms behind his back (if you can call it a back) and stands on the ground in front of you. _Cupid has the best job! Man, this is fun! HA! I think you guys have the right idea with these "crack ships." Hey, maybe once you get back to the real world you can write the first Jeff/Preston fanfiction! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!_

You back away slowly. You ask if you can just go to the Mystery Shack now. This interruption has ran its course and you don't really feel like holding up a conversation with him any longer. He seems to realize this as well.

_Well, in that case! I'ma gonna leave-a you to do whatever it is you want again! So, ta ta, buddy!_

He spins around so that he forms a blurring circle before vanishing.

You walk to the Mystery Shack. The door opens and a man with no arms leaves, humming cheerfully.

As you enter, you see that the usual oddities and attractions have been replaced by grotesque ones. You wonder what monster could have done this.

You were wondering that sarcastically, in case you couldn't tell. Let's not get too heavy on tense talk lest nobody understand what anyone's talking about anymore.

Sure enough, there's a head that's always screaming on display, right next to the crazy contortionist disembodied hand, which is constantly snapping and cracking as it contorts itself and makes all the customers wince. You look around for the employees. Wendy is on the ceiling for whatever reason, snoring. She seems fairly normal.

Someone taps you on the shoulder. You turn to see Soos staring at you with his glowing yellow eyes. He waves and smiles affably.

"Hey dude. Can I have your brains?"

You flee the shack, yelling something about zombies.

Soos shrugs, turns around, and gets back to work.

* * *

**Sorry for the break in things. Shit just happens, you know. Anyways, feel free to review and shit! Man, I use the word shit a lot. Ah well, not much I can do about that except SEE YA NEXT TIME YO!**


End file.
